So.
We’ve played together – which has been fun aside from the loneliness. She makes a beeline for him, we do small talk and then they leave… which is great – just faster than me. Then I’m left…. alone and awkward.
He reminds me of C and I’ve said it aloud – just … haven’t really been heard and it’s harder than he might think for me to shift that. The behaviour, size and shape… there’s long deep triggers that I’m just not there. I thought that we’d also agreed to parallel same room for a bit… but that hasn’t happened.
She talks a good talk – she says lots of lovely things – but… when push comes to shove, she isn’t nearly as interested in me as she says. The whole list of things that she said she wanted… none of it happened. When we’re together – she looks for him. Hell… I would too – he’s pretty amazing… but yeah… this fantasy of me getting the chance to play solo – it isn’t what they want. Proof? He is over there right now while I got radio silence for two days.
So let’s reality this for a moment. He says he’s not really interested in the evening dates any more – that he doesn’t really like the small talk and the standing around. That’s what I like. But hey… we do what we do to keep them happy.
I … on the other hand…. am burnt out. I keep the house going. I keep everyone going. Managing everyone’s expectations and needs and wants…. I haven’t had a massage in weeks. I haven’t had a hair cut in years. I haven’t had a day where I didn’t cook or order the take away in longer than I can remember.
And he and R don’t like each other. Or rather, he doesn’t like R. It’s all critical all the time. And all I hear is the criticism of my parenting. Of my choices. In not liking her or her choices… it’s me.
Hard to manage that guilt.
But he loves me. He wants to be with me. We bought a house… and a car…. I should be happy.
I’m just a bit …
Well I’m sitting alone looking at an empty wine bottle wondering if he’d notice if I opened a second one and pretened that it was the first.
Reinventing the wheel 