18 hours.

18 hours.

I had a perfect 18 hours.

He’s with K2 tonight.

And sure – it might be perfectly innocent (as innocent as a bathroom littered with sex toys she “forgot” to put away)… but 4 hours of radio silence while he’s with another woman… fuck me.  Even with E1 he was never gone that long.

I’m a  fucking idiot.

I had 18 hours where nothing could touch me.  I felt like he’d turned a corner – like he’d realised for himself just how much time / effort / energy he puts into these other women – how much that he isn’t spending on me, or on himself and that maybe, just maybe my time to have something had come.

But she’s lonely.

He is harsh about her – she is lying to her psych, he doesn’t respect her life choices – in his words “she is totally fucked up”… and yet… he’s still there.  And I predicted it – last week when she re-surfaced I joked that they’d be fucking within the month.  Well, gentle reader I’m a fucking psychic doormat.

And silence.

I had a good day on monday.  I felt like I had earned something.  That the battle was done for a little bit.

She tells him that her man is “meh” but he makes her feel special.  That she cries about him every other day.  That she still hurts herself because it’s a thing she does.  He is critical of her – and I’m right here, doing exactly the same thing.  He hurts me in a myriad of tiny ways and each cut is shallow enough for me to overlook, to forgive… to ignore.

I had 18 hours where it felt like I had hope.

I had stupidly thought that maybe, now that his time with E1 had been cancelled, that he might just drive up to surprise me.   A gesture.  A something.  An effort.  Nope.  Why treat the first girl to something she hasn’t arranged.  Why make an effort for her.

I too am lonely.  But K2 is betterdifferent.  She’s a bitch who treats everyone with contempt, blocked him for near on a year…. she gets tonight.  And I don’t know what they’re doing, but I would suggest it isn’t sitting on the couch eating icecream.  I’m not a fool.

I am going to take a sleeping pill and reflect on my perfect 18 hours.

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