I’m tired of being the person there for everyone – the comforting shoulder. The generous ear.
If I want friends – where are they. I go to them. I drive. Hours for connection for R. It’s what I do. But where are my friends.
Oh that’s right – sleeping then ghosting with my lovers. Winding their way into my life and then taking the things I care about and soiling them.
I’m torn. I want to shake her and remind her of her manners – two weeks ago she was dominating his life – hours and hours of messages and images. She was asking to be his sub. Now, it’s been a week and she’s not spoken to him. If nothing else, that’s rude. He fucked her hard and my ego takes a beating each time he preferences her (or Bec) over me.
I miss being wanted. Needed. But I just want someone to need. I want to lean on someone. I want someone to pat me on the head and tell me I’m ok. Today I’d just enjoy someone making me a cup of tea and just being in the space. That’s what I liked most about last week – not the catching them in the action… but just pottering around while he watched TV – the lighthearted stuff. I enjoyed it. And his message – that stuff makes a difference.
And if it’s because she saw the car – then own that and say something. the other stuff is childish and frustrating. I dislike being caught in this web. I want to tell Nick – for some reason I’m all vengance – I’m angry. I’m hurt and I’m angry.
And I’m done. I’m done playing with her. I’m also done being part of her little psycho drama.