I’m tired.

I’m tired of being the person there for everyone – the comforting shoulder.  The generous ear.

If I want friends – where are they.  I go to them.  I drive.  Hours for connection for R.  It’s what I do.  But where are my friends.

Oh that’s right – sleeping then ghosting with my lovers.  Winding their way into my life and then taking the things I care about and soiling them.

I’m torn.  I want to shake her and remind her of her manners – two weeks ago she was dominating his life – hours and hours of messages and images.  She was asking to be his sub.  Now, it’s been a week and she’s not spoken to him.  If nothing else, that’s rude.  He fucked her hard and my ego takes a beating each time he preferences her (or Bec) over me.

I miss being wanted.  Needed.  But I just want someone to need.  I want to lean on someone.  I want someone to pat me on the head and tell me I’m ok.  Today I’d just enjoy someone making me a cup of tea and just being in the space.  That’s what I liked most about last week – not the catching them in the action… but just pottering around while he watched TV – the lighthearted stuff.  I enjoyed it.  And his message – that stuff makes a difference.

And if it’s because she saw the car – then own that and say something.  the other stuff is childish and frustrating.  I dislike being caught in this web.  I want to tell Nick – for some reason I’m all vengance – I’m angry.  I’m hurt and I’m angry.

And I’m done.  I’m done playing with her. I’m also done being part of her little psycho drama.


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