on love

I had given up on love.

that soul melting deep connecting kind of love that only movies and songs present.

the kind of love that is a cup of tea placed at your right hand while you’re drowning in marking.  the kind of love that has someone check in on you and for no other reason than you matter.  the kind of love that sits with you as a joy on good days and as a little ember of hope on the really bad days.

really… that kind of love is experienced and I cultivate it with the people I care for but i don’t think i’ve experienced it in the reverse.

i work endlessly to make those around me feel special and precious and wanted.

i miss feeling loved.  feeling connected and wanted and needed and desirable and all of those things.

but he checks on me.  he messages.

it isn’t love but it runs close to affection.  and gods i’ll take affection.  the stray hand on my leg.  the look across a crowded room which mirrors my own.

When you’re a single mum you grow used to needing to exist for your child – there is no choice in that.  But they’re still young enough not to really notice if you’re not there – they latch quickly and seamlessly onto the other person who provides for them.

It is mattering to someone else.  Someone outside of those who have to matter.  to be noticed.  it’s important.  And sometimes he notices me.  And it helps.  on the hard days it helps.  And there are hard and dark days ahead.

There is such grief associated with single parenthood – so many things I miss out on.  I resent it on some level. People tell me – hey, get a hobby – join a theatre group if that makes you happy – go tech for people.  Sure… and what would you like me to do with my child?  I don’t have a partner/husband at home to provide me with that escape.  I don’t have the luxury of being able to take time off to find my passion and my desire.  I’m rooted in what I need to get done because it needs to get done.  I don’t have those chances.  And it hurts.  endlessly.

so when he touches base – that little tiny ember flares for just a moment.  Not in the hope that he’ll be my life partner – gods no – not at all what would work – but that someone else knows I exist and that I matter enough.

 

 

 

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