So I’ve decided that I’m going to step down as her bridesmaid.
Mostly because she has barely spoken to me in the months after production. And because when I walk into a room she scurries out. And she won’t make eye contact with me. And because she is finding all the reasons to be the victim without stepping up.
In this day and age where my dearest friends don’t have the option of marriage, what she is electing to do – to get married to a man she is actively cheating on, physically, socially and emotionally seems distasteful in the highest degree. It makes a mockery of the things I care about and the people I love. It is an insult to those who want to be together.
And the lies continue to sit badly with me. I tolerate B and her play and her role in his life because I don’t perceive her as a threat – but also because she is single. Her choices hurt no one but herself. C’s choices hurt others. Including me. And she knows what she is doing is wrong because she’s running away and hiding.
Because somewhere in this I thought she liked me. I thought (clearly wrongly) that she wanted me. I was flattered by that. Now, however, her behaviour is almost sycophantic. She buys the same toys as me. She makes the same choices as me – shops in the same stores as me. She tries to do the same stuff with him as me. And for now, I’m ok with that part, because he comes back to me.
But it hurts a little to know that I’m laughing at her. I feel pity for her. I find her pathetic. And I don’t think, feeling this way means that I can be bridesmaid any more. I think I might have ethics.
At the solos where she came (I don’t know why) she sat and looked puppy eyed. I asked if N had sent his invites out – no. If he had a job – no. Apparently they’re broke. So how does one afford new toys and a wedding if they’re so broke? Asked if she’s still going to marry him – guess so. I am fast running out of patience for that kind of behaviour. That passive indifference….
If I had the chance to marry someone who loved me then I would give it everything I had. And if I have the chance to be with someone who makes me laugh and smile and grin and we have negotiated an openness to that, then I will give it everything. And that’s where I am right now. I am with someone who enjoys that I am sometimes with other people. He makes me laugh and we have a genuine friendship that allows a level of comfort with each other.
This will mean that we likely won’t get an actual invitation to the wedding. But in the long run, I am not sure being in a room full of her kind of people is my scene. I’d struggle not to say anything.