Angels

Went to see Em in Angels in America.

I miss live theatre.  I miss the visceral experience and I am so very pleased that I got to go.  It’s lovely also having company to see it.

Sy stayed over – first time and it didn’t devolve.

Company – being in the space with someone else is just so easy with him.  I trust him enough to leave him in my house.  Yes. He went through my face book messages.  I know and I suspected he would.  There is something liberating in having very little to hide.   If he wants to go hunting, he can.  If he decides he wants to get to know me better – to sneak and spy, then that’s fine.  I am an open book if he wants to read me.

And when we got home, I was able to let him go without needing to fuck him because I trusted enough to know he’d come back.  Gods I wanted to.  I wanted to beg and convince him to stay another night.  To share my bed so that in the night I could roll and move my body against him.  He sleeps deep and hard – waking him in the night is nigh on impossible.  A shame, because in the early hours of morning I want nothing more than to feel skin on skin and heat and flesh and then him inside me and over me and on me.  He joked and asked if I woke up – I said no, not really, slept through – lightly but through.  He thinks it was because of the sex before that – I can’t get him to see that simply sharing the bed was enough.  I tangled my hands inside the belt of his robe, binding myself to him in the night.  Gods to feel safe.

Being with C again …. it isn’t me.  I thought a trip down memory lane would have been enjoyable, but really… too long, too much water under the bridge and it isn’t about me.

He wants all these things – has these lists of demands and expectations and demands – he is insistent and demanding and I’m just done.  It’s all about him – never about me really.  He talks the talk of wanting good things – but once again, when it all boils down to it – he wants sex and threesomes with women.  It’s always about the girls.

When do they get to hey…. I’d like you to feel good – do you want multiple boys?  Oh wait, Sy and I had that conversation… “you’ve done so much for me….”

The fantasy then unravels out…

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