Bring me the rage

Ok.

I need a t-shirt which says “surplus to requirements”.

I am so FUCKING TIRED of being under expected.  Of being asked to do something which is in my wheelhouse, the things I am GOOD at and then being made to feel as if I’m just useless.

Today C decided to just write out a list of all of the set movements for the show.  Because the crew (of students) were a bit “stressed”…. great.  None of them spoke to me.  I have provided them with that information.

Her list is different to mine, misses all the other things that are part of my job – the lighting, flies, projection, all the other cues.  But better to placate the poor dears rather than speak with me about it first.  And she did chat with me on the weekend….  A good 50 hours of work dismissed in a “I just did it on the weekend”….

I’m just done.  I am so tired of being second.

Sy says that he “might come to the show”…. told him he was off the hook… he responds with “maybe”….  I’m not going to fucking beg if that’s what he wants.  He should know me well enough to know what the show means to me, what his opinion means / used to mean, that that kind of fuckery doesn’t help.  He should know better than to be cruel. Be damned if I have to cater to his ego in all of this.  Plus he wanted to know if I would still be sending pics to him…. um…. no?  How is that even a question?  YOU discarded me for the newer cuter more damaged model.  I am not your back up plan any more.  That hurts too much.

Plus today I cried in my Lit class reading Browning.  Thought I had a handle on it, but then the last two stanzas of “Youth and Art”… couldn’t do it.  I’ve never lost my cool like that.  I’m lucky in that the girls were cool, but even so, that’s a new low.

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