I’ve always been a fan of rope. Specifically shibari and kinbaku. I’ve loved the sensation of bondage above all other things. And the joy that comes with being able to separate it from sex. Rope for me is different – yes – it can be kinky shennanigans, but for me at the core, it is a singular experience.
This tie was my first since all of it went to shit. And I was just fine going in. Sassy, cheeky and bratty girl – chastised for helping, but my rigger was there with me, that perfect balance of gentle and firm that I needed.
Then the picture – all still fine.
The quiet tilt of the head away from camera – all posed and contrived because, gentle reader, the girl is coy.
He placed my hands over my heart deliberately or not who knows… cheeky bugger. I had to hold them there. And that was it. There was the tiny chink in my bratty armour. I felt my heart beating. Still beating.
When he began to untie me it all literally and figuratively unraveled. All of it came out. The tears and the fatigue – it was as if the break down needed a literal focus for me to allow myself to do it.
I wept big silent fat tears. This wasn’t the cathartic sobbing on the kitchen floor that I’ve been doing. This was the gentle soothing final release of all that I have been holding. And he didn’t say a word. He continued to unbind me and allowed me to just be in that moment – without feeling the need to comment or help or sooth or fix – just the methodical pattern of rewinding the knots.
I was reminded of the willow tree on the banks of a river – so thirsty a tree that their roots run deep and their branches stoop and bend in an effort to reach water – the thing they crave the most. I bend to the point of breaking to accommodate those around me. I sacrifice all of my “self” to please them, to keep them. I am buffeted and bruised by the wind. When he tied me, and untied me, I was moved; pushed and pulled at his whim, at the whim of the rope but yet I remained standing.
I can remain standing.
I will remain.
I will overcome.
I will sustain.
I will continue to lay down roots and I will draw deep from the earth and I will grow.