The end

And just like that – he’s gone again.

In being more congruent, I became too reliable.  I’m not his “forever” girl – which I always knew.  He says he feels guilty but I don’t even know what of him to believe any more.

It would be easier if the girl he was chasing wasn’t a copy of me – brunette, blue eyed, music teacher, geeky, slightly damaged, kinky…. but also sexually repressed, living with her parents.  Perhaps my independence is once again too much.

I’m trying really hard not to spin in the space of not being good enough – so much so that I did send him a message that essentially said, I’m RIGHT HERE…. but apparently, that’s too available.

We’re friends who fuck – that’s all he wants it to be.  He neglects that he was the one who suggested the sleep over – the last three times…. the last three times he’s left me straight after.

But, breakups are good for weightloss and I’m trending dowanwards again, which makes me happy.

I am trying to reconnect with people – trying not to let the lonliness creep in around the edges – which is hard.

I don’t think I loved him – I was too cautious for that.  But I was hopeful.  Stupidly, when he asked for “exclusive” I was hopeful.


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