Took old meds the other night, washed them down with too much wine.
Just need the noise in my head to stop the rittlerattle and constant grinding sadness that is in everything. Made R cry within 20 minutes of getting out of bed the other day – motherofthefuckingyear.
He refuses to engage with anything – we’re back at the dr for her hairloss – another $150 easy – but he doesn’t even acknowledge the emails. So much for “co-parenting” or even contributing. I just wish I could stop visitation until he got some kind of consciousness.
And I punish myself. I drink, I medicate and I lock all the sharp things away because cutting is sooooo 2016. Plus, I turn 38 in a few days and who knows 38 self harmers? Lame.
S chose his game over me again. That stings. Could have dropped by, could have said hello, something – but no – too important to get points to get a character he could give a shit about. It’s nice to know where one sits in the grand pecking order of things. See, gentle reader, it all feeds the black dog. All of the doubt and feelings of insignificance and of inadequacy and of just not being good enough.
I just can’t sustain this.
I deserve love. I deserve the company and attention of someone who can focus on me enough. And I don’t think I ask for much – I’m financially independent, intelligent and can hold my own. I just want company. I just want someone to be in the same space as me. Literal netflix and chill. lol.
So back on Fet – attracting all the wrong attention because here again is the girl who wants to connect with people but not fuck them…. how very dare I.
I miss my freedom and regret that when I had it, I didn’t do more with it. Now I’m just chasing my tale and resenting it.