So in the interests of record keeping – my first and wildest spontaneous thing.
He says “I’ve never been to Queensland” – I say let’s go.
I didn’t think he’d say yes – here’s the $ book flights.
So we went.
7 days in a van driving up the coast.
I think there were moments where it was the most at peace I’ve been. And I think I might have fallen further down the rabbit hole in this.
We didn’t argue. We talked, slept, fucked like wild things and just went where the wind took us. I put aside my need for a hot shower and a coffee every day and embraced swimming naked in the ocean at dawn, the sand marked by my footprints only. I shared sleeping space with someone and found peace.
I joke with Cole that I’m not actually sure if Sy “likes” me – but I have to remember he’s not a verbal person like me. I’ll talk for days (seasoned therapy survivor, we have it in us)…. but it’s the little things. Walking along the path to Mossman Gorge, he reached out and took my hand. I was stupid with happy. I was 15 again and schoolgirl giddy and just…. the joy.
All the doubt and all of the fretting and speculation and all of the darkness and daemons were silent for just a moment and in that tiny space created in between our hands I saw the potential that people see when there is happiness. When things are “ok”. First time in years I felt “ok”. So naturally now I’m totally freaking out. Ha.