So, Cole asked me to be her bridesmaid as I flickered between paying attention to her and Ash at the fireworks.  He doesn’t know she knows and she doesn’t know – how I amuse myself with little webs of secrecy and intimacy.

Sy was outside my window Monday – I caught a glimpse of him but he denied it.

Then Tuesday he was at my door – having said to Cat that it wasn’t working.

Fucking him was like coming home.

And kicking him out at the end was playing at being empowered, but in reality, I cried for an hour.  So girly.  I hate the weakness but I indulge it at every turn.

Was supposed to get a tattoo this week – my anatomical heart with my house of leaves “this is not for you”….. I think perhaps the universe is saying that it isn’t the time to expose my heart and cut it off so soon.


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