When you’ve slept alone so long that you find the snores of your bed companion endearing that’s a sign, right?
We fucked – he turned up mid bath after watching me from outside for who knows how long… but then he held my hand over his heart and dozed off. The thing I have been wanting more than anything else in the world – for him to stay. I barely could breathe.
I forced myself to finds stillness – to be mindful in that moment – to feel his heart slowing under my hand, the slow unwinding of his body as it drifted from wakefulness to rest.
I’m a big believer in sleep being only something you can do when you feel safe enough. That’s symbolic to me. And he slept. And I floated in that place of danger.
I think I fell in love a bit.
For all the crazy sex we have, the thing I crave the most, those moments of stillness – the moments of stay. My heart opened. I rested my head against his shoulder (resisting the urge to bite at the skin beneath my lips) and breathed with him.
Not the whole night – but after the climax, in that moment, for the first time, he didn’t just get up and put his clothes back on again. And I didn’t feel like a whore.