I came out of an abusive relationship. Never physically an issue – but lots of mental mess. And I’m out now, on the other side, better and stronger and clearer and all the things.
Yet I still let men beat me.
Last night, N. With the cane.
Never happened before.
I argue that it was because of the double looped chain around my throat. He speculates it was psychological. I’m fairly sure it wasn’t. That being said, I’m kinda ok with it because it meant that instead of the crop I sorted socks, polished his shoes and ironed his shirts. Full service Sub, me.
And I wrote his requested reflection.
I am a tiny bit sad that I didn’t get to go as hard as I wanted – even though I don’t think I would have / could have taken much more. I remember him pulling me up to sitting and the world coming back into focus and sobbing that I wasn’t “weak”. And he held me. So that was nice.
Now for a hot shower – sleeping on the floor isn’t good for these old bones.