On being a sub

More thoughts for N before our next session.

I’m terrified of the physical pain – you’ve sent me links and images and your tone scares me.  Part of me enjoys that, but I’m still fearful and not entirely sure that this is what I want.  Am I doing it to try and impress you?  To try and show you that I’m good enough?  Perhaps.  Am I doing it so that I can get to the other stuff of it?  The potential for conversation and contact?

Lets be honest… a 34+ minute…. ah never mind…. there’s not much in that for me other than the discovery that you enjoy the rhythm of songs from Rent over songs from Chigaco.

I submit because I want someone to hold me and treat me as the small broken thing that I feel like I am on the inside.  So agreeing to being caned or beaten kind of defeats that doesn’t it?  Stupid contrary brain.

I like the ritual of it – I like the process of it.  I like the narrative of it.

I like being told what is going to happen, then it happening, then the after care.  Am I doing this to get to the after care though?  Because I know that he doesn’t do after care.  He packs up (or rather, I pack up) and then off he goes.  I might get an email.

That’s what I want.

I want the after care.

Damned pathetic really.



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