More thoughts for N before our next session.
I’m terrified of the physical pain – you’ve sent me links and images and your tone scares me. Part of me enjoys that, but I’m still fearful and not entirely sure that this is what I want. Am I doing it to try and impress you? To try and show you that I’m good enough? Perhaps. Am I doing it so that I can get to the other stuff of it? The potential for conversation and contact?
Lets be honest… a 34+ minute…. ah never mind…. there’s not much in that for me other than the discovery that you enjoy the rhythm of songs from Rent over songs from Chigaco.
I submit because I want someone to hold me and treat me as the small broken thing that I feel like I am on the inside. So agreeing to being caned or beaten kind of defeats that doesn’t it? Stupid contrary brain.
I like the ritual of it – I like the process of it. I like the narrative of it.
I like being told what is going to happen, then it happening, then the after care. Am I doing this to get to the after care though? Because I know that he doesn’t do after care. He packs up (or rather, I pack up) and then off he goes. I might get an email.
That’s what I want.
I want the after care.
Damned pathetic really.