The discomfort

S made me admit out loud that I had feelings for Sy.

I don’t have feelings for people.

I spent over 10 years having my feelings systematically destroyed.  Removed.  Edited. Changed. Challenged.

So I don’t do feelings.

I am terrified.

I love my little girl with that ferocity that only a parent can manifest. And that’s a bit scary for me – I get frightened by the depth of it and frustrated by the intensity.

I wonder if I will ever love or be loved like that.

The boys keep telling me that there are heaps of men who will love me.  Yeah… I’m a bit of a cynic there.  I don’t believe that for a second.  Spot light on the last 6 months of being fucked over by random strangers from the internet with nothing to show for it.

I don’t do feelings.  I do lots of other things, but gods, to admit that there might be an emotional connection… nope.

Is that me – am I so unloveable?

So the rationalist tells me to stop being silly – of course I’m loveable.  But I wonder that the layover effect of the abuse is a lack of love.  Love of myself, feeling safe enough to have some kind of feeling towards someone.

Because the loss…. the scary loss.  The fear of reaching out to form some kind of connection, to rely on that and then have it taken away.  Too hard.

Struggling to do much more than survive emotionally right now.

Adz told me off for being ungrateful.  I have child / house / family all the things… I should be happy.

I know.

And I’m not.

And I hate myself for it.


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