The level of lonely

It doesn’t get easier.

We joked that it’s been 6 months and he feels like he should have his shit together.  I’m over three years out and I still feels unraveled.

I miss being held.

Being just another body in space.

The revelation that the tool has lost his job and is not going to be able to do weekdays any more (what a surprise) had me kicked in the guts again.  Yet again I’m trapped in this position of being beholden to him.

Whilst I love my little girl – she is my sun and stars and my reason for getting up each day, she is still my anchor.  My sinker.  My little smiling hook.  And I’m primary custodian in every sense of the word, I’m stuck.

I can’t do the things I want to do for myself because I’m bound to her.  So that evening yoga class. No.  Teching for shows – no.  Going for a run. No.

So much no.

And that fantasy I have keeps getting more and more vanilla and less and less sexual.  Just simple intimacy – a coffee and the paper left on the side table and the sound of the shower running in the other room.  The simplicity of knowing there’s another body in space – an “other” who might be able to take care of me – of things – of being the one all the time.

It’s 100% all the time – I don’t get to not be.  I’m sad and hurt by that.

 

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