Last day

On the last day of school, I should be out socialising with colleges and wishing them merry christmas and all of those things that good socially skilled people manage to do.  But I always struggle.

I struggle with the small talk.

I struggle with the banter of pretending that all is good and that everyone is happy and that endings and change don’t challenge me.

I like the idea of not being at work – that’s for sure.  I like the idea of pottering around the house.  Of getting things done that need doing.  Of carving out time to myself and writing, or drawing or those things.  I will miss the necessary company that being at work gives me, when you’re forced every day to be “on” in front of people. But the time and space to just not have to do or try or be anything calls like the wind.

I wonder, then if anyone will notice me slipping off into the background.  Just locking the door and taking myself out for lunch of more than lolly mix and water drunk from the guest mugs in the kitchen.  It echoes – I wonder if anyone will notice if I’m gone.

All these people who’s lives I’m intersecting with.  Their paths that I insinuate my way across  – they won’t.  Many of them haven’t bothered to keep in touch anyway.  So I don’t count them.  When I asked S if I could mark him, and he said that I already had, emotionally – I think of that.  I think of that more than I like – that he could say that and then become cold. I’m still holding it where I could / should be letting it go.

M likes me – wants to “keep” me – but again I know that it is all temporary.  That he is just as unattainable as all the rest.  His delight and enjoyment is a lovely aspect and a nice touch, but I know that his heart and his commitment and therefore his focus lies elsewhere.

I say I am not looking for love – but I think I’m at the least looking for companionship – maybe I should represent that more openly.

But, on ending the school year.  Many changes – retirees and moving.  I wish I had the courage to move.  I wish I had the courage to make the changes that are needed to be made.  But still, I am tied by my commitment to making the best life for my little girl – and I don’t want to be in a position where all I have worked for I throw away.  I can’t justfiy taking up a job as a barrista after 5 years at university and 12 years of teaching.  But I’m more ready to be looking / skilling / changing / moving / doing something.  Because this is not making me happy any more and the more change that happens here the more I am saddened to think of the downward shift that happens in my mood and my ability to manage.

Endings suck.

Endings that are out of my control – out of my hands – are challenging and at their core, difficult to manage.  I see this one coming.  I know that it will happen because it is on the calendar from the start of the year – and yet, I still leave wishing that I could just fade out again.

Face on.  I’m wearing a sleeveless dress.

 

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