So on Saturday I attended Catherine Deveny’s Gunna’s Writer’s workshop. With the intention of kicking me in the ass to start writing again.
I used to write.
I used to be a writer.
I used to be a number of things, many of which were unpractical, useless and fairly self indulgent.
And now I find myself not at all the person that I want to be.
Now here I am on this journey of self discovery.
I describe myself as a work in progress. I have been booted in the Universe for not listening to her warnings about being complacent; for tolerating poor behaviour and for generally putting myself last where I should have at least factored on some list somewhere.
In the last two years I have:
- Come out of a long term abusive relationship
- Had a baby
- Moved home with my parents
- Moved into my first home (paid for by my parents and I)
- Brought a new car
- Started dating
- Lost 47.6 kgs
- Discovered that I like colouring in
- Discovered that I don’t like being tickled or playing complex computer games
Much change – most of it unexpected to some point, but all of it challenging, heartbreaking and inspiring.
Now I evolve. I understand that as a concept far more than I think I ever did before. I am a creature of the world who has to actually change and move in order to survive it. It is not enough to sit and hope that things will happen and that if I’m “good” then it will all work out. I actually understand that I am required to engage and participate with life.
This fits poorly with my depressive and “negative” outlook. Hence the fairly constant battle between head and heart as to which direction to take. Heart and head both agree that Jane is not a lover of change. She struggles with things which are unpredictable and the best that she can do during this process is to hold on, close her eyes and jump.
So here I am – jumping.
Hold my hand?